Dear Kellogg’s,

My name is Greg Carlwood and I have been consuming your products my whole life. I’ve always felt that you make the best cereal, from Fruit Loops to Special K. I mean, that vanilla almond flavor is pretty much the best part of every day.

It’s not just the cereal either, guys. As I rush out the door to work, I always grab a pack of Pop-Tarts or a Nutri-grain bar (mixed berry actually made me believe in God again, for a while). You make tasty snacks, and you know this, so let’s get to the point.

I think I might be a little confused about your target market. More specifically, I feel like it might not be me, or most people I know for that matter. While your products are scattered all over my house, I can’t help but feel that they were not made for me. This is a shocking revelation,  but allow me to explain.

Laying on my coffee table is: One half eaten box of Cheez-Its, the case from “Cool Runnings,” a Pop-Tarts wrapper, the crumbs from some Keebler fudge cookies, a pipe, and a rather large jar- of the marijuana.

Yes, I’m a regular marijuana user. In fact, the marijuana is probably a big part of why I eat so many of your snacks. Imagine my concern when I heard that the infamous “Michael Phelps bong hit” photo was enough for you to determine that he was, “not consistent with the image of Kellogg’s.” For, I clearly must be misrepresenting the company as well.

I wonder how many coffee tables across America look a lot like mine?  That’s the real scary thing. I guess I just hadn’t been paying attention to your marketing, and I apologize. To show my loyalty to the company, I promise to stop consuming your products, no matter how it pains me. I also plan to inform everyone I know that uses the marijuana, which is like, well, everyone I know, that you’d rather them not eat anything with the Kellogg’s name on it. Consider it my penance for years of misrepresentation, but trust me,  that’s over now.

Despite my unworthiness of your delicious foods, I have to point something else out as well. I can only imagine how awkward I would feel to have a picture of me taking bong hits all over the news. Luckily I’m nobody’s role model, so nobody cares. That said,  it has to be one of the biggest speed bumps a person can hit in this current climate. Suddenly, all his accomplishments are forgotten, everyone starts throwing their preverbal stones, and he’s being ridiculed everywhere I look. Not to mention, the one guy who has done more for the world of swimming than anyone, ever, has been shown such great appreciation by facing a 3 month ban. Now, I’ll save my tears, because he’s obviously accomplished more and made more money than I ever will, but considering his circumstances, I’m sure he could use a loyal friend or two.

This is where I must say, for a company that probably strives to create loyal customers, you haven’t shown very much loyalty. It’s fun to cash in on someone when their hot, but when he could use someone like you to stand by and say, “Hey, I’ve tried it, you’ve tried it, President Obama has tried it, and I think we should all lay off the guy, “  you make sure that every media outlet clearly informs the public that you will be severing ties with Mr. Phelps. Well, a company with no loyalty, is no company I want to be loyal to anyway.

So in closing, once my coffee table is cleared, you won’t see a Kellogg’s product anywhere near it. I’ve been brainstorming all day, and if you need any ideas on you can get the other 75% (or so) of the population who has tried marijuana to stop using your products as well, as to not damage the precious brand name, just let me know.

Thanks for the snacks while they lasted, and again I apologize for misusing them. I’ll stick with White Castle from now on.

Nothing but love, pussies.

-Greg Carlwood